I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
sorry for making everyone realize you look like bruce jenner
I finally won that bet on when the anorexic girl would pass out at the gym. You owe me 10 now
Dude you didn't move for like 2 hours then suddenly sang the chorus to ghetto superstar and passed back out
You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
I want to know him. He looks like he makes really good breakfast burritos.
No, you always delete them without reading. Enjoy the virtue of morning innocence. What are you doing today.
I forgot to tell you, the medics put you in a wheel chair. ( I kept telling you to cat daddy) oh you also gave everyone high fives for speaking English.
i need to stop celebrating other people's birthdays like they are m own.. my body can't handle a birthday every week
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
OH MY GOD! I CAN FEEL A PULSE IN MY BALLS IT HURTS! ITS LIKE MINI FEMINIST NINJAS ARE ATTACKING MY BALLS!!!
You FaceTimed me to show me he was sucking your tit
Um. Did you take a picture of me with a giant dildo after we went bowling?
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
If I'm legally allowed to go to jail than I should legally be allowed to tell a cop to fuck off. Basic principles.
Yea, but did you really have to throw a sandwich at him??
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