I told him to come back in 5mins cause i needed to take a few more shots before i could talk to him
He's pole dancing on a heat lamp.
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
he described going down on me as being like 'entering a jungle of deliciousness and fur
in my defense i said 'lock up your wives' before going out.
You went to jail last night?!
Just a little bit.
Smoked all day yesterday and even more today. Just survived high dinner with mom and sister. Thought I might eat the whole table
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
I think Facebook knows you fucked me. All of a sudden I get everything you do in my news feed.
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
Another beautiful Sunday, another beautiful day the stick is not positive. Amen.
I just walked out of the side door of the bar to come in the front door so no one would know I've been here drinking before our work meeting.
We're too hungover to prance.
I ate 2 pot cookies before we left the house. Fuck Pokemon. I'm playing my own game.
I have got to stop telling people I was almost a prositute every time I drink
Randomize
