I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
At first I felt shameful, waking up naked next to a box of oreos and half a can of cake frosting...then I realized, this could be a bigger discovery than Atlantis.
And by the way, how is me getting head even remotely comparable to you fucking 3 guys?
Had to use the product locator on on the four loko website to find them at home. Got to go in the backroom of a grocery store to get them. Dedication.
I know you claim to have a large penis but I do not believe in what i cannot see. Sort of like god.
We had 15 min before last call. Exact quote "let's see how drunk we can get."
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
Your headphones are on the door knob and I left you a burger on the door step.
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
I SHITYOUNOT DAN JUST PUNCHED A DEER IN THE FACE. MID LEAP.
I ended up at home with a random bird sculpture and flowers
and you fell through a lawn chair
We told him to puke in the Denny's parking lot or we wouldn't be his friend anymore. So he did. He wasn't even drunk.
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
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