i just got a Mexican deported. not sure how to feel.
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
He doesn't know I'm infertile yet, that's when the sex gets good
He yelled out my full name in bed...I felt like I was being scolded.
we didn't have anything to do and wanted to get our money's worth out of our costumes, so if you see two mermaids day drinking by the creek it's us
Well, I found the missing blow... in my fucking suitcase... THIS MORNING. Yeah, I flew from FL to NY with blow in my suitcase yesterday.
I told you to check, dude
Yeah, AFTER I checked my bag and I was already sitting on a plane. Oh well. I figured worst case I'd do like 15 hours in county and I was totally prepared for that anyways. I always prepare for that when we hang out.
I don't know. I was hiding and the bed was banging. I am going to sleep now in someone's car.
Drunkness level: fluent in olde norse
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
there is something very satisfying about getting tacos after hours of sex.
he threw his shirt and suit jacket out the window of the uber going home
And what in gods fuck were you drinking. It tasted like windex with a mixture of juce
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
How did the surgery go?
My face feels like a marshmallow.
My FIANCE just told me he thought you were the prettiest out of all my friends YOU WHORE
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