my grand plan for the evening is to do shots of vodka til i cant anymore
Dude it was awful. I woke up with more strippers in my dorm room than those duke lacrosse kids.
I just had sex in a moon bounce. It is all down hill from here.
went thru the pain of a Brazilian and he's passed the fuck out while i eat Doritos and watch tbs. fuck married life i want out
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
How am I supposed to stop smoking pot when girl scout cookies are being sold.
animal crackers drenched in taco bell mild sauce... surprisingly delightful
breakfast of champions
breakfast of stoners
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
When I said to give it to me hard and fast, I didn't mean like 15 seconds fast.
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
Just a couple of adults talking about cum shots at 8am on presidents day
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
So he apologized for peeing on my floor.. then we fucked all night.
Real classy
Randomize
