Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
we're drinking boxed wine and eating string cheese. It's like a wine tasting for poor people.
Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
I kind of want you to get arrested just so I could frame an avatar mugshot.
dude, you cant keep using "she roofied me" as an excuse to bang all these fat chicks
I mean besides the fact someone got stabbed, I still had a pretty good night.
He said he was going to "rock my world". I wonder if he too has a false sense of confidence and accomplishment stemming from a complete lack of honesty from our own female counterparts.
The feeling I get when I hear beer bottles clinking must be what children feel when they hear sleigh bells on Christmas Eve
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
Ooo, yeah! Thanksgiving will be a blast. Can't fuckin wait for the next round of "have you found a nice young man yet?" Followed by a lovely helping of "don't worry, there's someone out there for you."
When he wakes up tomorrow with half shaved legs smelling like a preteens bathroom, I'm sure he will think he has had a great evening
i've now hooked up with two guys who have tattoos of their sister's names...so that's a reality i have to live with...
I feel like I should be having more sex dreams of my boyfriend than his sister..
Bumble is fuckin insane here. I'm going to break a hip.
She squirted. We were both surprised. I'm that good.
Randomize
