idk, it's all black and i hear low talking...
dude, i think you're in initiation!
shit. that's not good.
He looked like the mexican version of Steve Carrell with a unibrow.
Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
I feel like my teeth are sweating.
He's just sitting there staring at my sisters teddy bear hoping it will come to life.
I think sneezing out coked up boogers onto your professor disqualifies you from the "I was sick" excuse
Dude. You stood in a corner laughing your ass off while folding clothes, facing the wall. Yes, they were weed brownies..
the evidence suggests last night I either took a bath in beer or drank 18 beers while in the bath. either one sounds good to me. sad i don't remember it
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
I want to tell you your future: you're going to be having sex
I have a story for you. It involves waffles and getting naked with the local weatherman.
Randomize
