Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
I'm half single.
Please tell me it's the bottom half.
I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
Just saw cops pull over the ice cream truck. What a dick
When she can manipulate the direction of her leg hair, you know its time to leave
I made an oral joke and he laughed... That's when I realized I wasn't Daddy's Little Girl anymore.
His penis is literally smaller than my cell phone. I can't go out like that.
Might just stay in and drink cuz of the hurricane. Yea I think Wisconsin might be safe but its a good reason to drink.
He counted every piece of macaroni in the box and then faceplanted into the bowl
I think I need to donate blood to see if I have Hepatitis. Again.
Based off the amount of cat hair on my poncho....i stole a cat last night.
you didn't want to pay for the shots so you negotiated with the bartenders. Apparently 1 shot is worth 5 seconds of motor-boating you.
Just had a serious discussion with my ex-boyfriend about sexy nurse vs. sexy teacher. So score one for friendship I guess.
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
If this adventure is going to get us arrested it'll have to wait until Wednesday so that I can bail myself out.
Randomize
