so I called to to smoke and you didn't pick up so I smoked and now I'm a race car
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
I just used my thong as a hair tie. I think I reached my limit.
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
Fake an illness. Her and her friends are like the female version of guys who wear tapout shirts
I just found out via Facebook that my old dorm room is now the free condom distribution room on campus...IT'S LIKE THE UNIVERSE KNOWS!
his basement wasnt heated so when i asked for a hoodie someone gave me a kimono.. i passed bc who the fuck knows where that shit has been recently
Want to do me the honour of waxing my legs again before I go to Mexico? I feel like it's a tradition we shouldn't break.
So, left this guys house wearing a #1 Grandpa shirt and I think this is the best sex score I've ever had.
I just gargled with NyQuil
All I want for my birthday to be fingered and eat pizza
Your face; I've seen enough of it for today. Go away now please.
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
I just had 3 numbers I don't know text me and remind me I am to attend AA on monday. Im gonna say it was a good night.
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