cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
Went home with a guy 2 " his house". Woke up this morn on couch to parents cooking breakfast, piss all over my back and he is no where to be found. That fuckr pissed on me and bounced. His parents are gonna think some drunk bitch pissed their couch.
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
This freshman just ran out of her seat in a 200 person lecture, opened the emergency door and vommed everywhere. Then quietly went back to her seat. $2 Pitchers hit someone hard last night.
You did a strip tease for the toilet.
Things I learned last night: 1. Bacardi 151 is a one-way ticket to the toilet, 2. It is possible for a human being to turn into Mount Vesuvius
He was so good, that I'm pretty sure he fucked his religion into me. P.S. I'm Jewish now.
Sunrise bitch. You owe me waffles
That sad moment when even your drug dealer lands a summer internship and you don't...
I seriously had alll four of your knuckles bruised into my arm
He told me that when he bends me over that chair I remind him of a bull rider. So thanks for being the ex that helps my present sex life
What type of bandaid should I use on my clit
Man, it's really obvious that I was either handcuffed or tied up last night. Either way, not something you'd want coworkers knowing.
Let me atleast have my coffee before you start talking about your penis
come on Dane.. ive been there. im like the female version of you, except with morals
Randomize
