Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
It's official. I am the proud owner of his very own sex tape. Amateur awesome porn or awful delete-me-now porn? Come over help me decide.
The last time you said "no one will know" is when you ran out of sprite at your birthday party and dumped a handle of straight up vodka into the jungle juice.
Oh eartly, In cocy youtu youchv make the wallflowers d tskunks!y, couch protection now,.sryou should feel special !
Just FYI, I'm breaking up with my boyfriend tonight and you need to be on call to be my first rebound bang
One my way home. There was too much fog, strobe lights, and cocaine for my taste.
I remember just enough about last night to wish I didn't remember anything.
He won't let me go to the bars unless I can manage to get flip flops on.
Sounds like he's doing this for your own good...
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
Told the cab driver to take me to narnia last night. Turns out there's a bar called narnia on the south side of town. We are in business
Maybe i don’t have a tell. Maybe wine is my poker face.
hey im sorry i made fun of the color of your sheets, but like it was all i could focus on during sex because they were just THAT UGLY
My fuck it list is complete! I finally got a firefighter!
Did you guys just have three hour sex? You both stopped and restarted texting me at the same time
If I were to say yes, would we still be friends?
Randomize
