I feel like death. And death is wearing a fleece blanket as a dress. And is seriously contemplating wearing this to go get something to eat.
THEY JUST PLAYED KISS FROM A ROSE TONIGHT IS PERFECT
so just incase you wake up on the couch wondering how you got there--you came home at 7am, put ice in a cup--then you proceeded to put the cup in the microwave and melt it because you "wanted water". you then, fell down the stairs while saying "you don't know me" then crawled to the couch.
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
Just think, if your stepsister would've gotten knocked up 2 years earlier, she could've had a TV show. What a bitch.
The puppy is a lightweight. 3 beers and he's passed out on the floor already. I repeat, the puppy is a lightweight.
I found a fingernail in my vagina. A fingernail.
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
If we laid all the dicks that's have been inside of us end to end it would be as tall as 4 story building. 40 feet of dicks.
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
I'm eating a subway sandwich in the bathtub because I don't want to move. God bless boys from Brooklyn
moral of my life: don't tell a guy you want to have sex with him. he'll get back together with his ex.
I'm just gonna ride this ego train to sex town
will a lunchtime blow job make it better?
I’m honestly just flattered that you think I could make PornHub’s Top 10.
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