My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
have you facebook stalked him yet?
No, I don’t know his last name...
Just google his license plate numb
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
Coming home soaking wet at three am and trying to convince the front desk man that we came from the library might have worked if I wasn't also roaring at everything.
the tow truck driver and i bonded while discussing our experiences with four lokos
You're so wise. You're like my sexual Grandmother Willow.
I'm not judging you... I'm judging our friendship
I woke up at 4 am to my roomate peeing all over my clean laundry. He thought he was in the bathroom and yelled at me for being in the bathroom with him while he was peeing.
When you put it that way it sounds like my vagina is a parking garage to be monitored by security guards
At one point they were sandwiching me, both petting my stomach, mad dogging each other. Then they somehow telepathically decided to both try to pull my pants down. Such nice guys.
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
The strip club incident sums up our friendship pretty well
I'm pretty sure that our Lady and The Tramp Red Vine moment was the farthest I got last night
you told us the chicken was mocking you, then proceeded to explain that every time someone reads your mind you accidentally think of something sexual
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