youre lurking in front of me
somebody snuck up and got me drunk
hey remember that time we got really drunk, you tried to find narnia in my refrigerator and passed out in the freezer drawer??
no.
Don't be a smartass. I'm trying to fuck a guy who's sober. It's more difficult than you think.
Don't EVER smell your tampon
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
Sorry, but you probably shouldn't come over. I'm too sober for this.
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
But once you explained how to fill cupcakes with semen I realize you were harmless and right on my level.
He just whispered "doors are weird" and then laughed so hard he fell down the stairs.
And then my hands went numb and no one believed me so I started putting peoples cigarettes out on them. Shitty idea i'll tell you that much
Check the mailbox while you're out!
I already looked this morning. You go check and see what you won on Ebay after your day drinking spree.
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
This is my life. Currently ordering a gift for my straight married girlfriend's husband from my lesbian married girlfriend.
Randomize
