Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
Last night he tried to put me in their garbage can and then sprayed me with a fire extinguisher in their kitchen...that house is always interesting
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
I'm shutting down my vagina temporarily...it's like the last two weeks were a going out of business sale...and now it needs a break...
Tim said I dropped my taco in a puddle and still ate it.
Wish i knew who the f is sending me pics of asian newborns.
I think I'm interested in anyone that recognizes I actually have a pulse
Whoever said that remembering a girls name is a basic rule for getting laid has never met me.
I don't care how fucking drunk you are, you don't forget wanting to shove a wine bottle up someone's ass.
Just had a threesome with a hot Turkish guy and an even hotter French lawyer. This what happens when I travel alone. You have only yourself to blame for this.
As I was about to go to sleep he asked me if I was ready to 69. HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK AT HIM IN THE FACE OVER DINNER TOMORROW
I tried snowmobiling at 2 am. I broke my glasses. You're right. Things do get out of control.
i woke up on the couch at 5:24am, hangover, craving for some ribs, but i only had a bag of cheetos and a half empty beer. man what a breakfast.
Only thing I have going for me is jacking off, weed, and saturdays
You'll be pleased to know I just had an elaborate day dream about your penis. you were there too.
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