I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
I'd suck anything for a pizza right now
You seriously need to keep doing my sexting for me. I just said something about "riding cock like a dick rodeo"
Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.
What happened to chicks over dicks?
That rule does not apply to 9 inch dicks..
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
I found him in his pink and white boxer out side the dorm hall and the only thing he said was "it wouldn't let me in"
Please, by all means, tell me what can't be helped by two stiff drinks & a blowjob?
Besides, I don't need any more men there who have seen my tits. #bearwatch2014
I had to ask him for a dick pic. Do you know how refreshing that was?
Pussy, Peanut Butter Cookies,and Bubble Wrap
However, pretty glad I spent the night puking on my car instead of fucking him. Then I'd REALLY be miserable.
Your vagina is awesome, like it needs to teach a class for other vaginas
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