i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
So my mouth tastes like dick. Does that explain how our talk went?
I have a pussy blister if you wanna poke at it with a needle tomorrow...by this text i realize just how strange our relationship is, especially because you're probably excited
I think you mean your blister is filled with pus...atleast i hope
I ride home in a shopping cart. Don't at like you aren't jealous.
I'm having one of those days where I just want to lay in bed and beat off all day
You were spooning my trash can and I had to crumble cookies on the floor by your face to get you to eat
If eating a cheesesteak naked doesn't make me feel better, then I don't know what will.
Serious question...Is it possible to get a DUI on a kayak?
Def just hooked up with my brother's senior prom date in his bed. Does that make me the worst brother ever?
Oh please not the Easy Cheese again. That was weird.
Just traded a sandwich for anxiety drugs outside the club. I fuckin' LOVE this place.
It's just unfortunate that I still have the image of him having sex with me fresh in my mind
Dude, you stalking his LINKEDIN profile will NOT affect your chances with him. We aren't 40...
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
How many gummy vitamins can I eat before I die
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