ill give you a foot job if you come over before 4
I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.
hey I'm just gonna fall asleep in the bathroom at the library call me when you're done with class
this girl with a french braid down the center of her head won't stop talking about the benefits of the free market. i'm hungover, bloated and haven't slept for 4 days. shut up french braid girl, shut up.
I was the one passing out cake at the bars
do you remember yelling at the waitress that you were a power bottom?
I wrote my name on his balls in sharpie. In the homosexual world that's like a diamond ring. Shits permanent.
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
I WOULD NEVER LIE ABOUT SOMETHING AS SERIOUS AS SABADO GIGANTE BEING CANCELED
Earlier today I was eating cookie dough from a tube, now I'm laying naked next to a hot guy watching Pawn Stars in between orgasms. You really can have it all.
It's his. I know, I'm pregnant with a genetic douche bag but at least he'll be pretty!
what are you up to?
it's 8pm, i've already showered and gotten in bed. if you wanted to make plans u should have asked 3 months in advance
Randomize
