Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
That was rough. We had a 50% puke rate and 100% still drunk rate at lunch
is it bad that the cashier at chick-fil-a shouted "see you tomorrow!" as i drove away?
I think I'm going to start texting all the people that don't want to talk to me
last night he was wasted watching Entourage and changed everyone in his phone book to LLOYD!!!!
Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
Dude I totally just watched a girl put a tampon soaked in vodka up her vag
I need new friends
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
Two man bar crawl was hectic. Just found leaves in my pocket.
Old woman told me I looked like her son and then she started explaining to me how she wanted me to fuck her
It's a "nonproductive" (vocab word) cough. It's like a constant tickle in my throat, like there's a little elf with feathers for feet going Gangnam style on my "uvula" (vocab word).
after you left he started opening his bottles by smashing the neck against the edge of the fireplace and pouring beer into his mouth. it was about the manliest thing ive ever seen. its probably how lumberjacks open their beers... if they didnt have their axes handy.
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
Next time I will hook the Xbox before I get high I spent 30minuts thinking I was playing the Simpsons game when it was in reality a tv episode
Randomize
