Please, let me fuck your mom
We've reached that awkward stage of the relationship where he's in love with me when he's drunk, but sober him is still afraid of commitment.
Welp. I just hopped out of his window to avoid meeting his parents... happy monday!
When u wake up, don't be alarmed by the passed out mariachi band, they're cool. Muchos gracias
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
While eating post sex burritos I dripped taco bell sauce on my boob. He licked it off and asked why I hadn't thought of that before.
Oh. My. God. You texted my mom "IM BACK BITCHES!"
hahaha every time i hear a motorcycle i think about that one time you almost died
Thanks for the flashbacks you prick.
Yeah he told me he wanted a serious relationship, but he's posting pictures of his dick on Kik.
Wait wait wait. You are actually taking advice from this lunatic?
This is the girl who got a balloon full of cocaine through security no questions asked. Of course I'm taking her advice.
Valid.
Sorry, was sleeping. I heard a rumor that I had a hangover, so I just went with it...
If you can endure a laser on the butthole, you can endure a wax on the butthole. Those are words to live by.
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
Randomize
