i'm almost one hundred percent positive that i have a warrant out for my arrest in this city. i also don't give a fuck because im drinking TEQUILAAAA
My little brother has some high school girls in my pool, it's like a jailbait buffet in my backyard
So Ive decided I have serious issues. Im walking around the school with a bag labeled booze money collecting from people while slightly hungover at 8:20 in the morning, and nobody is questioning me.
I'm not 100% sure, but I think someone gave me a bath last night...
& he told me 'I don't think ur a big slut-just kind of an average slut'
HE THINKS THATS A COMPLIMENT!!!!!
You convinced me that eggnog and rum is a great moisturizer.
I drank toilet water last night, I can't answer you because my phone is in rice.
moms trying to set me up with a 28 year old. hes graduated university like im getting high in my bed and he's an adult
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.
he just left the suite without pants on wrapped in Christmas lights
I am getting off work an hour early just to watch you drink. Never let it be said that I don't love you.
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
Were we still high when we decided to break your leg?
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