The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
You told him your wedding ring was part of your costume. not okay!!
while fucking on the counter the whip cream was conveniently right next to us. i love thanksgiving
I think I'd do Clint Eastwood.
...kinda gettin a major gay vibe from you right now.
That was a text you sent me last night.
She said she wanted to have closure sex.
Saw a guy pass out and hit his head on a urinal. Laughing too hard to help him up
Yeah, it kinda sucks. But it was fun while it lasted. And honestly, his penis is way too big for my life.
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
i want us to warm up up with us making out while i lay you down touching and feeling all the spots you know are going to get you warmed up. im gonna move down your body kissing every inch as i move down past your panty line ;)
Did you watch the carolina game tonight?
I'll just save you what dignity you have left by letting what happened die with your lack of memory and/or liver.
currently working on a look that screams, "I'm dead inside, but still trying to enjoy the ride"
he just used a semicolon in the middle of a sext
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
Just checked out of walmart with a 30 pack of Budlight and a wiffle bat. Hello, Monday night.
Randomize
