If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
Just saw a white stretch Hummer limo outside of CiCi's pizza. Way to live up to the stereotypes, Alabama.
i convinced her that her period would come back if we did it doggy style
At what point in time did you think it was ok to jizz in my hair while I slept??
Around the time you told me my brothers dick was bigger.
Tonight will bring shame to my future grandchildren.
Right, well, that begs the question of where did you get the whip, why are you using it, and why don't you carry one around more often?
Obviously you've never slept with someone who was deliverance level inbred.
First week back and I made to one class, its gonna be okay after all.
this dude, we had a connection. he kept smiling at me. it's like he knew i was gonna facebook stalk the fuck out of him
Like we were literally doing coke off his insulin pump
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
we just drove past a kid stuck in a tree what a wonderful time to be alive
That was years ago. And it was chlamydia.
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
Randomize
