Coming down off exstacy at a church event. Resisting the urge to dance to the church hymns.
well i just set every background of each phone in the verizon store to my face
everytime she opens her mouth i wish that i was deaf
you know that saying beer then liquer makes you sicker, it should be beer then pickles makes you throw up alot, everywhere.
Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
All I learned from that experience was that drinking scotch out of a crunk goblet was bad news.
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
I think I may be stoned foreverrrrrrrrr. The earth has been around for a long time.
hey fuckhead. when i said not to grow shrooms in our apartment, that didn't mean "yea, sure. grow shrooms in our apartment"
And, through a series of unfortunate events, I am at my grandmothers birthday party in a short dress and no underwear
Hey my dad gave me life the least I can do is take him chicken strips and a pack of marlboros.
I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
Who's the captain of your team? Captain Morgan as usual?
And me
Just walked out of the train bathroom after having sex and got a round of applause from the passengers. Definitely the best part of the trip.
i'm not sure you can trust me in a car with 20 dozen donuts
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