I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
He was from Iceland of course I didnt sleep with him, havent you seen Mighty Ducks 2???
Still had my bottle opener ring on. Started to give him a hand job. LOL
I've decided I'm peeing in a solo cup then throwing it on his windshield. It's official. He called the cops 4 times in our first week at the house. He deserves it, right?
The woman in the hospital bed next to me just got diagnosed with flea bites on her vag.
Whaaaaaat? No way.
Now a discussion of pigs vs. dog as carrier.
If you were awake I would probably ride my bike over, fuck you like a god, leave you in the wonders of life, and bike home
Wait, you seriously DON'T keep vodka in your backpack??!??!?
There was a pumpkin carving contest and we carved a very realistic dick about to penetrate a vagina. Our Christian Youth hosts were not happy.
Apparently I still called the officer "sir" despite the fact I was at a .21 BAC. Southern girls are raised right
You proceeded to get into a playground school bus and yell "all aboard to Margaritaville!"
i wore a power symbol belly button ring just so i can drunkenly tell him that he turns me on. i dont care if it works i think its classy
You were supposed to be my wingman and all you kept to her friend was "kill it with fire"..
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
Trying to figure out why my back is hurting. And then I remember I got fucked up against a tree last night
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
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