My liver just broke up with me...
He looks like a mix between a retired piano teacher and a cat that just swallowed a sock.
I've never been 12-exclamation-point-excited for sex. That must have been good.
I came home to burning cookies and him outside "tanning" naked.
He just wants an even tan
she's using the space heater to try to heat up a pop-tart...
I woke up next to him fully clothed but my thong was around his neck. Polling to decide if we had sex or not starts now.
So you met him?
More like I walked in on him, drunk, naked, and doing "bathtub yoga". Please stop bringing your dates home.
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
whats our policy on dating high schoolers?
we dont have a policy but im pretty sure the state of michigan does
I need drugs. Hard drugs. Today. Not tomorrow. Today. Something relaxing.
Since Josh is going to be Carl Sagan for Halloween, he bought a turtleneck and sportsman jacket. It's all my nerd fantasies come true.
I can't get the smell of burned penis out of the house
You were laying next to me in bed at 4:30 a.m. I asked if you were drunk and you said you weren't drunk you were buzzed like a bumblebee. Then kept rambling on about having to call out of work.
i'm not sure what you are doing right now, but i know that i don't like it. whatever you are doing. just stop. come here so we can fuck
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
Randomize
