last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
Just saw actual Chinese people doing a Chinese firedrill. Good day.
frozen peaches as icecubes. vodka Sundays just got wayyyy better
we took turns throwing up in the kitchen sink last night...no i am not doing the dishes
We played shuffleboard at the bar last night...another sign we are getting tooooo old.
Dont be alarmed when you find the maintenance guy passed out on your couch. I didn't to explain why I was there so I offered him a drink, I dont know what happened after that.....
Gold rum. Strong marijuana. Jabba the Hut in stilettos. Deep thigh bruise. Yes, thal all happened. Sorry dude.
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
I wish you were awake and high the same times I was awake and high. And also in the same state. So we can fuck passionately.
She called and said her prescription was refilled. I guess we are dating again.
I got drunk by myself and ended up listening to Beethoven in the dark.
Well, if worst comes to worst, I have pictures of his penis that I can put on the internet
Are you ok?!
I assume I've stopped bleeding because I haven't passed out, but can't verify currently.
i can feel my liver failing just LOOKING at that thing
Randomize
