I assume you are not resopnding because you are having sex thus i give you a text message high five
That still doesn't explain why you thought it was a good idea to paint a cow on my guitar
I was actually high enough at that point that I was just casually following your glowing footsteps like in Avatar while we ran from the cops.
when life gives you lemons, puke and rally.
He told me that a camel appeared out of nowhere and it told him to quit smoking...
She slapped his drink out of his hand to get him to leave the bar while he and I were having an intense debate about the lyrics to mmmbop
she left with her roommate. or at least i think she did. but i also just thought i ate candy corn but i'm hal convinced it was candle wax.
No, no, we have to calibrate. What is the maximum amount of trouble we can get into without going to jail?
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
No, it wasn't really a sexy 'I'm going to go masturbate.' It was an 'I'm going to go masturbate' that implied I was going to drink a tall boy of Mikes and cry while I looked at lesbian porn.
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
Well I'm going to hell. But I'm going after multiple orgasms.
WHEN JENDA BENDA THE DRAG QUEEN TELLS YOU TO RUN, YOU RUN, BITCH!!!
The shitshow that was last night is the gift that just keeps on giving
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