So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
In less than 3 minutes we had 3 security guards running after us
You kept screaming how great you were at drawing poptarts and you insisted on drawing them all over my forearm
According to FB I fucked in a field 365 days ago.
I've been timing it. He's been showering alone for 33 minutes. 4 minutes ago, he said "truth or dare." haven't heard anything since.
yeah that's what i said...you fucked him and peed on his comforter
yeah well...Like any great yacht, I leave a wake
Thanks for the cold. I shartted and sat through a whole soccer game. James made 3 scores.
You know in a few years she's gonna look like her mom. So if you're gonna hit that you better do it while she still looks like somebody else.
Guess who just rode home in a cop car?! Your Fav flamingo
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
When he pulled it out last night I asked if that was as hard as it was going to get. I think I may have offended him.
I found pix on her phone of me passed out and her sticking things up my ass. Its over.
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
its not even a love triangle. its a love square and it has come back to haunt me
Bold words for someone NOT on a unicycle
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