I left the party when things started to get crazy... and when I say crazy I mean: there was puke on the carpet, Evan was passed out behind a plant, Mary was making out with her ex while her present bf was making out with Nancy. Not to mention that someone fisted the wall. Also - someone is sleeping on your lawn - they might be dead, I didn't check. Later.
Google if cops ever smoke weeds and then bust them. I need to know immidiately.
CAN CRIS ANGEL JUST LOOK NORMAL FOR ONCE?!
he acted like he had never seen anyone snort lines of adderall off of a microwave before. freshman.
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
I made him go down on me for 40 mins then pretended to pass out. I swear, I'm like a boy.
Well after last night I am convinced he is real life Tyler Durden. He only exists to me and somehow keeps me out of jail this entire time
i gave up on the vacation being fun the night i ate all the marshamallows out of the lucky charms while everyone else was having sex in the condo
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
He wore socks while I was giving him head. I couldn't even focus on his penis because of the socks.
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
That was the night I realized I need to grow up and stop eating mushrooms with strange 40 year old men in convertibles.
I learned so much in Pittsburgh
It's a shame things ended how they did. We were well on our way to transforming from acquaintances with benefits to friends with benefits.
I'm one bad relationship away from owning seven cats.
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