so i had a choice between studying for my physics test on fluid dynamics or spend the night with my girlfriend. hello doubletasking.
Puking in one of the stalls, a guy ran in and started puking in the other stall... In between heaves we told each other our names; i found out that it was my old best friend that moved away in the 8th grade
When are you comin back?
probably mid next week, depending on when i finish my remaining half gallons
Oh btw I took the eighth out of the plastic wrap so I could use it to wrap my red pepper. This can be seen as either pathetic or resourceful.
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
I passed out with my wizard stick taped to my hands and got woken up being poked with a St. Bernard
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
Just made a beer run. At 9am. In my pjs. I should not be graduating today
I'm the one on the patio wearing underwear. Holding a pipe. Pigtail and glasses. Can't miss me.
Driving home this morning in my minion costume makes me rethink the 0 tint on my windows.
My liver is preforming stress tests.
He told me to keep watching the Grammys and then went down on me.. I think I'm in love.
Do you think it would be weird to wear a shirt that says 'big fun small package' from an ex for a first date?
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