he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
I just woke up and shes still asleep next to me with her vibrator inside her and on. Whats normal protocol for this situation?
Have you ever straight up just taken a bite out of a block of cheese? Because it's amazing.
He tried to slow-dance with me in bed. IN BED.
We got kicked out after you decided to chase your shot using the soda gun behind the bar.
Sorry I didn't take you making out with him all night as a hint you wanted nothing to do with him...
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
I'm wearing green eyeshadow so even if I end up totally naked I still won't get pinched.
our jesse-walt dynamic is actualy really perfect because i want to start a small time drug empire and you want to get high a lot its very accurate
I found out my butt plug has a metal core at the airport security checkpoint...
I've fucked him twice and literally had no idea that he's missing a thumb
As in, legitimately worried. You just sent me a 6 message long text that did not contain any complete words.
my friends roomated asked me this morning if we went to mcdonalds last night and i had no idea...that is until i checked my purse and found half a mcdouble in it...
Nah, we’re just sitting around talking about different kinds of boners
Randomize
