she called my cock the "semen sword" and then we invented a position called excalibur
I need to not be around brick walls while intoxicated.
Nick just found a baggie of 3 year old shrooms in his desk drawer and downed it all with cheap white wine. I am not on vomit duty tonight.
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
As you were leaving the bar you grabbed a table and when they stopped you, you said "Its cool i came in with this". They did not believe you.
All inclusive resorts are actually just places that livers go to die.
that bad?
u-n-l-i-m-i-t-e-d. f-r-e-e. t-e-q-u-i-l-a.
It's basically the same plan, only step one gets revised to "look hot enough that he forgets I fucked his roommate"
I just feel like everything is too perfect
He's probably a serial killer or chronic masturbator
Or both. Which is common
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
he had a Pillsbury dough boy tattoo to remind him of his drug dealing days
I've discovered my ability to crush a man's ego is greater than my hate for beer.
That seems dangerous to buy acid from a stranger on craigslist
You WHAT?!?!
Paid. A. Homeless. Guy. To. Throw. A. Drink. In. Her. Face.
I fucking love you.
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
He set the tone in the back of his car by blasting Marvin Gaye's sexual healing before railing me
Randomize
