i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
Is there a nice way to say "I like you, but I hate your dick?"
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
All of my current injuries can be related back to sex.
I take your lack of response to mean that your hands are taped to 40 ounces of something.
true friends will drive 3 hours to come smoke a couple blunts with you on the bridge where your car broke down
He said i got a new job lets blow this money he bought 4 bottles at the club he is now crying after seeing the reciept
according to the video, you won you first drunken karaoke contest based off of your actual singing abilities and not because you took your shirt! I've never been prouder :)
If you fall asleep, my vagina and I will never forgive you.
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
I can't believe you won 5 grand from the casio last night and spent more than 80% on tacobell and strippers already
Twist bend and done? Jesus that sounds like a seventh grade hand job.
Every time I start to trust vodka, it does this to me.
Funny you say that, I just sold my stripper pole to my mom tonight...
Randomize
