I wanna do crazy things to you in a tent
fuckk wrong person
.. who was that for? a girlscout?
There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
Is it weird if I ask my drug dealer to prom? Be honest.
you should have seen his reaction to my boobs, it was like he just met god
You were eating microwaved pad thai out of a solo cup with a pair of scissors....
She somehow inhaled a tack last night, she's having surgery today.
all I remember is repeatedly winking at the fire marshall while he was counting the people in the bar
I'm pretty sure that if I didn't have a gerbil with a shotgun in my uterus I would think i was knocked up cuz all I want is hot sauce
also, just kill me. literally hit me with a vehicle, or an aircraft, something that will ultimately make me forget tonight.
it's only monday and im already failing all my classes. i give up. tequila tuesday is my only friend.
I slept with someone only because he got my Simon Birch impression. It was a new low.
Yay! Also. When you're coming down eat waffles and touch yourself. You won't regret it.
i swear every fucking time i plan a party, one of our "friends" holds their shit in all week just to punch one off into the master bathroom after i pass out. it's almost like that dump you would see in a port a potty.
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
woke up this morning and she was gone. but she left a box of donuts on the counter with a note saying "for all the 'o's you gave me last night"
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