My roommate has every episode of Full House. I'm going to fail my midterm tomorrow.
.....woke up with a tube of cinnamon buns in my pocket, i miss you
And I was slip and sliding my life away on a giant tarp with tons of soap and bitches. Priorities man, priorities.
I am too young to be this hungover
Is this your way of saying you want a sober 19th?
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
You shouted "FUCK SHANIA TWAIN" and then downed an Aquafina bottle of white wine none of us knew how to react
Trying to convince myself that everyone keeps staring at me because I'm pretty and not because of my hickies.
I was going to say I needed the exercise but now all I can think about is BJs
My work here is done
Honestly, if you can handle putting socks on you can handle a condom.
Wednesday is good, I needed the head count for the orgy, caroling can happen with as few as 2 people. There will be a pinata.
For the caroling or the orgy?
So last night took an interesting turn.. Never thought I'd say I had to pick up my glasses off the floor of a strip club
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
Of course I fucked her, her man stole my bike when we were kids
My manager caught me going taking a nap in an empty room. Apparently she sleeps there too.
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
Randomize
