from now on when you get up to pee in the middle of the night, check to see if im sleeping in your parking lot.
i do.
I taped Calvin and Kyles heads together face to face while they were passed out. You should have seen them stumbling around using hungover teamwork trying to find scissors.
She nearly killed the mood when she said "Don't cum on my spray tan"
After throwing up in a tequila bottle on my nightstand (still not sure how she did that) she asked if she could slip into something more comfortable.
My roommate's all sad and is crying and the chick I want to bang is in the room and Nic Cage is on fire. What the fuck.
Tidal wave of highness just hit. Find shelter and catnip. gloves. zebra striped car washes.
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
I'm sending you the three minute video I jus took,....it's of me eating a pear up close
Please don't make me ever have to hear the words "the Queen's gynecologist" ever again.
Ew. He is mine. We all know that if he has a mid-life crisis and decides to sleep with a student, I AM THAT STUDENT. She's not friends with him on FB. Reassuring.
I woke up to some strange woman rubbing peanut butter on my thighs
Hung out near hay bales in sweaters then she gave me a pumpkin spice pop rocks bj. That was so freakin' seasonal.
I'm not in bed, I'm driving and puking at the same time.... first for everything
I don't know how I got home but I'm pretty sure the guy in my closet had something to do with it
Jesus christos I come home and am treated like my vagina is made of gold
Either that or it dispenses candy
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