can you blame him?
i blame him for everything, HE GOT ME PREGNANT
Good thing you left when you did - ended up getting banned from jimmy johns.
She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers.
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
Not rlly sure. Might just drink and sleep. Gotta wake up for my last rabies shot lol
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
He gave me four orgasms and I kept yelling "Thank you!" and he kept replying, "My pleasure!"
Midwestern nice.
The ideal thing to do next party is to tape my boobs down so they don't knock over the pong cups while playing defense. They came back to hurt us this time
I took your mattress from your bed. Don't ask questions. Love you. See ya later.
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
What could go wrong? i could have a mental breakdown with a bottle of champagne hand cuffed to a frat bro
Wanna see if we can get cut off at bdubs again? The same hipster manager that is younger than us is working again
And when were you going to tell me to stop dancing on his coffee table singing "come on irene?"
Responsible things to do when you're too hungover to get out of bed: Breast self exam.
Randomize
