i love rice pilaf. whoever invented that i would give them a hug.
If someone cant be won over with guacomole and tequila they are not worth your time.
My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
She's okay as an interesting car wreck. But as a sexual object she's funny
she got to the point every few minutes she checked to see if her boobs were still there.
We're at the hospital. She got a head rush and fell and now blood everywhere. Smoke the rest, just save her a bowl
He's short and fat and honestly I think he's what my self esteem was made for
My life is a video game called get the drunk princess back to her castle, thank you to all that participated
Went to night shots with Kayla... she punched this guy and I got his friends number. Not sure if she's the best or worst wingman ever.
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
I'd cum everywhere if I could have chicken nuggets right now
Holy shit, we're married as fuck.
I'm her ex, so unless you're interested in her massive moral failings and open season vagina, I'm not your guy.
Randomize
