U know u have sex too much when u have lube in ur rolliball on ur blackberry
I thought i'd save money with No Heat November but the amount of whiskey i have to buy to stay warm is probably adding up to more than a heat bill.
Apparently she was filling Miller Lite bottles with water because I refused to be seen drinking water in a bar
No. He burped at a 3 year old, roared at him and proceeded to scream at the kid's parents to watch their child. The manager of Olive Garden was on our side.
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
you and him went to the park at 2am to "catch a pigeon" and ACTUALLY CAME BACK WITH A PIGEON
Sorry about waking up naked in your bed this morning.
My dad sent me a 10 ft beer bong and my mom sent me ideas for future careers. I'll let you guess who my favorite parent is. Also, come over tonight. and bring beers.
I had jack at 8 am= instant drunk
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
I was so hungover at work I had my shirt on backwards. I had no idea how I managed to get through today puke free.
Just walked in and got handed a drink. Good service
She told me "I think I'm going to puke tonight" a few seconds later she said smiling"I can't wait!"
Hot date tonight for the first time in months and I just cut my dick shaving. PRAY FOR ME.
sometimes i like to lay one the floor and pretend im a carrot.
Randomize
