Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
Which outfit says "I'm sorry for your loss but we're still banging later"?
Putting Chia seeds in beer makes it ok for my diet, right?
Just saw a man in a motorized chair roll by drinking a beer. It's 9:45 AM. I love Louisiana.
The bar would not accept my money. I have reached God status here
Our office went out together for the first time to celebrate the fact our coworker got fired.
I got my period today and I cried tears of joy. And then just cried because my cramps are actually killing me from the inside out.
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
Now it's a thing. He's kind of a creeper and now he's lotioning me. This is going to turn into a Buffalo Bull situation.
It's 7am. I'm sitting on the curb in last nights clothes with a nose bleed and no idea how to get home. Low moment I feel.
She walked up to me and whispered "I hope you're good at sex" and led me to the beach.
On the brightside we know now that empty pringle cans are accepted at mcdonalds as cups.... Screw people who judged us, we saved a buck
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