I am coming home for anal
* a nap*
i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
you are the weird ass hat to my lady gaga
These guys are walking up and down the hallway yelling, "Yo, is this the floor with the unisex bathroom?"
But i don't feel like talking to him right now. I woke up an hour ago to a picture of his penis and I AM NOT A MORNING PERSON.
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises
I'm going to empty my bank account and roll around in the cash. Want to join?
I just swallowed some ecstasy stuck in my nose from last night. Work should be interesting.
May or may not have just put tequila in my special "kids+" orange juice fortified with vitamins a, b, c, d, e, and now t.
I mean metaphorically speaking, maybe we've all fucked on top of a frat house at some point in our lives
I better make out with at least 3 princesses and 4 animals this weekend.
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
is buying liquor on my lunch break too aggressive?
This girl in my class is lecturing my professor about zombies. It has been going on for 15 minutes.
Zombies?
Zombies.
Randomize
