if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
Sometimes I kiss girls just to make them shut up.
when my professor asked "does anyone know what streches across south america" and a kid in the back row said "my exgirfriends vagina" i knew i was at home.
Hurricane Earl: Get Blown party at my house friday! Byob: bring your own bitch/booze. Must have 80s blown hair style, kazoo/noise maker (vuvuzelas/airhorns are allowed), and/or bubble wands. \n
Why am I even shocked you're doing this....
Nicole, you can't keep coming over at 3am wanting to build igloos.
Ryab! Make hr wtop. Mshe make sme speee. I don want to pee. I want sev. He was so igbad. Redpo.
Smoked a joint and chugged some pepto. Feeling a lil better... Not sure which is working..... Gonna keep doing both.....
Just told some little girl not to judge me as I brushed my teeth in the target bathroom
I have been drunk every time I've gone to mexico. I do not remember mexico.
All I wanted was a couple of orgasms before work, is that too much to ask?!
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
Sarah was butt-chugging wine and diarrhea'd all over the wall
I wanna riverboat gamble on your vaginal waters. Just sayin
we had to follow your trail of clothes to find you.......
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