I'm pounding a vodka drink as we speak to make her interesting
Have fun fixing the bed from last night Bob Villa.
At least you didn't call me Brittany this time
Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
i havent had this much fun since the last time i farted and it created a boner.
she took her bra off and it was like the puppet strings had been dropped. her tits totally deflated.
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
she asked me if i can do her a favor, came over, and gave me head then left. i still dont understand how that was a favor for her.
We blazed in her bathtub. All 5 of us. Not easy bro
I have a feeling she doesn't appreciate me as a person. She only fucks me because I look like Harry Potter.
Printed off fake 'Producer' Sundance badges for us. Pretty sure they double as free passes for getting laid by 'actresses'. Testing this theory tonight.
I'm pretty sure I just crapped out my pancreas. I have 2 of those, right?
I seriously just caught my Pina colada from falling of a table perfectly facing up. I will now reward myself by finishing this one and then getting my 8th
I can't wait till they start promoting the testiciplasty. Turn those old prunes into fresh tight kiwis!
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
the people next to us at the red light cheered for you while you puked out the window...
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