Where are you?
In a non slutty way
There is nothing wrong with wanting a slide attached to your staircase
theres so much semen in my vacuum cleaner...
And next time please put a text between discussing my orgasms and discussing your son - that was weird.
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
Repeat. Dildo on the ceiling, confiscated potato shooter, and bottle of yegger. Repeat. Ceiling dildo and yegger.
It was right before we played jenga with champagne glasses for a good half hour
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
By the way, just opened the browser on my phone for the first time today... And it was it the "images" section of "who invented ass fucking"
So thanks for that
Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
My day went from bad to worse when I realized I puked out my second floor window last night.
Kids parked next to me are getting it on. I'm eating chicken nuggets listening to Kanye alone. Happy Valentine's Day.
Dude I puked in a snow bank and then fell face first into it
Yeah well I just had an orgasm on my bathroom floor so there's a first for everything I guess
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