If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
he came and i only had my diet coke to rinse.. can you say coke float?
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
separated laundry into 'got laid' and 'didn't get laid' piles.
I am trying to think of a way to make alcohol cupcakes
I just found cold cuts in the blender. You and beefeater can no longer have unsupervised parties.
I would have rather watched a full length video of myself masturbating than heard that.
I already wrote the apology to my liver. He knows whats up
I've decided that my night was probably over when I started eating the penne vodka with my hands.
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
You had me at "let me see your balls"
Hey know anyone who wants 58 lbs of whole frozen chickens for a couple bowls?
Okay, maybe filling water balloons with vodka was not our best idea.
I would totally suck a dick for some poutine right now
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