This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
We're official. Living with your boyfriend sounds so much better than fucking your roommate.
I found out that my first kiss was an Italian. Even in kindergarden i knew size mattered.
Did we fight the bathroom girl ? She just wanted to give us lotion and condoms.
Meghan got a job at the bar. We're now morally obligated to drink. Is this what dreams are made of?
I just don't do feelings in the summer months.
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
So ran into your ex from sophomore year last night... Apparently hes gay and a stripper now. we all got lap dances because we knew you
She stopped laughing and kind of stared at the wall for a while. Then she did 3 somersaults and said she saw jesus. This weed is fucking fantastic.
In other news, I just burned my penis
The teenager outdrank all of us. All. Of. Us. I woke up and she was getting everyone water and fruit snacks. I give up.
5% want to drink juice and feel better, 95% just want to touch your butt
This Christmas I would like to thank Jesus for cocaine.
Dude, you stalking his LINKEDIN profile will NOT affect your chances with him. We aren't 40...
Heard about your divorce. Let me know if I can do anything for you or your penis ;-)
Randomize
