Racial profiling caused me to miss two cabs but the third cabs the charm - he's playing Jesus Music
There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
these two guys are about to go shot for shot with syrup
now he is talking to a potato
dude we were making out and she kept singing the americas next top model song. you wanna be on top?
At dinner I grabbed his hand and he screamed "mom she just grabbed my penis" the proceeded to shove my hand down his pants! Hello Mr.Dick!
you started texting yourself and saying they were "divine messages from heaven" then you threw up on stacie's piano.
I'm drinking red wine & feeding anchovies to the dog. I'm really not picky about what kinda of company I'm in.
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
Today, my boyfriend informed me that I look like my dad when I orgasm
I'm mortified. After he finished, he turned to me and said,"So, what did you think of my mom?" WTF Please tell me he was not wondering about that while he was going down on me!!!
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
Just got high and apologized to my vagina for getting chlamydia
Is this a Beer, Vodka or Whiskey kind of problem solving night? It's imperative I stock accordingly.
Questions like that are why I love you.
This couple is walking their pig around campus
I used to shoot steroids in my ass but for a totally different reason
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