I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
watching a depressing episode of spongebob while high is the most depressing thing i have ever experienced
Well, what part of "I've heard she has crabs" didn't you take into consideration?
Taking a shot for every status related to the patriots losing. Hello hospital.
Life lesson. Learning to pee left handed is easier than learning brickbreaker left handed. Rather lose a few drops than a few lives
you drew a penis with ranch dressing. tried to take a picture of it and dropped your phone in it. Then made moaning sounds while you licked it off.
I have just two goals for this NYE. 1) get so drunk that every guy looks like Clive Owen 2) make out with as many Clive's as possible.
Do you think the guy at the front desk was watching us last night? Although we were in a public pool, therefore our tits were free game.
Dude, you need to come clean your dates vomit off the ceiling. What in the hell were you guys doing?!
I can honestly say I've never had orange soda poured on my vagina before, that's a story for the grand kids
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
Dude, she got on top of me, grumbled in a low voice "I'm going to make you remember me", and then farted.
Just go read my twitter... There's a play by play. It starts with a penis pump
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
Randomize
