in pain and im wearing pink underwear
so?
i dont own pink underwear
the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
Well the bottom line is that I had to completely coat my testicles in Neosporin.
Yea, i was tied up and blindfolded. And someone was throwing chicken nuggets at my face.
Lesson learned. Never get fingered on an airplane.
Their was just 7 people standing outside eating a costco chicken, definitley at the right party
walked into class wearing my zorro costume. some girl just said "oh my god, i fucked zorro this weekend." I found her.
Ok I'm good with that cause I'm gonna disappear for 90 days
Are you goin to rehab again?
Almost threw up on my grandmother as she walked in the house. Had to run to the bathroom and vomit my brains out. Prolly getting taken out of the Will now.
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
I mean metaphorically speaking, maybe we've all fucked on top of a frat house at some point in our lives
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
You pee in parking lots....i drive home naked.....thats the american dream i was promised
The fact that a spice girls song is stuck in my head is a great sign that my decisions aren't the right ones at the moment...
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