So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
a girl walking in front of me just packed her cigarettes 72 times and yes i counted
how much adderall did you take today?
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
Please know that I fully expect you to help me steal a bed if I have a bad breakup.
I feel like wearing underwear would just be poor planning
I'm in charge of his party but you're a paramedic, we're both needed.
She said I looked exactly like my dad. Then she made out with me. Should I be questionable?
I invited you and you fucked me in the face with the penis of disappointment and shit.
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
We lost our room key and found it in his pocket with 3 pieces of fish.
Are you doing that thing where you're convinced I made a terrible decision
Daily.
Just got to Evans to buy weed. His mom showed up unannounced. Now the three of us are chillen. Super.
You threw up a gallon of vomit. I really have never seen anything like it in my decade of partying.
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
Is there a number of dicks a girl can have in a weekend before it becomes unacceptable? Asking for a friend
Remember! It’sa long weekend and a holiday weekend and it’s America’s birthday! So don’t short change me!
I thought you were asking for a friend
Randomize
