Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
after everytime she pucked, she insisted on us all giving her high fives
You lit the bowl with a rolled up paper towel that you ignited on the stove.
I incognito puked under the VIP table. Did Jersey proud.
I don't remember his name but he sat in the bathroom and gave us both advice...
there is no 'pace myself' on the blackout express
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
Even when you're not here I still manage to get pad thai in my vagina
Realistically anyone can come I don't care it's Boston what do I own boston? No. I just don't want people who are gonna give me "why are you doing that" kinda look when I take birthday shots out of my birthday babe shot glass necklace.
I just baptized the girl next to me. LONG LIVE THE CHURCH OF VODKA
Drunk. But sober enough to know I hate gymnastics.
Drunk naked twister. My place. Heath is trying to use his dick as a third leg.
As if I wouldn't steal Nintendo brand "Mario is my HOMEBOY!" boxers when he gave me the entire drawer to choose from.
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
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