I took off my bra and money fell out...how crazy was I tonight?
Another night of drunkeness. Maybe I shouldn't have played death pong...
Didn't you just get a DUI last week?
Indeed I did but death didn't stop Jesus now did it
Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
the last thing i remember is fucking her. GAME CHANGER i woke up in another bedroom to her younger sister blowing me
talking dirty on facebook chat is the new phone sex.
Hey. I found $5 in quarters from one of those state quarter collection books. I'm using it for food tomorrow.
I've never had a woman show me her venereal disease results in a bar before.
I don't remember anything but yelling at the ref in Spanish.
You don't have to believe me. My vagina knows it happened.
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
I'm 11 for 13 getting drunker than the person who's birthday it is
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
I would literally only have sex with a dinosaur right now.
Whatever. I have his dick. Haha how many girls can say they have a dildo replica of a guy they were seeing
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
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